I do my best – or rather, most honest, uncensored thinking and writing late at night, it seems… Many an introspective (and rambling) journal entry has been made by me at the most ungodly hour. It was only a matter of time until this happened with my blog as well.
OK then, where do I start? The past several weeks have been mostly uneventful, but the past two have had me alternately thinking hard and trying very hard not to think too much.
What prompted this, you ask? A conference up in Paris (actually, a town just outside of Paris) the weekend before last, featuring several friends of ours. My mom had also been invited as a guest speaker, and my sister and a few others had been requested to lead worship. I must say it was a little odd to not be involved in any way, but frankly I needed it. I won’t go into detail, but suffice it to say that I got more out of that weekend than I have from my church in the past year. It’s sad, but true. Just being able to fully get into worship without any loud distractions was wonderful, and being fed something of substance for a change… well, words fail me. Like I said, I needed it.
And, as I said before, it led to me doing a good bit of thinking since then. I’ve had a feeling for a while that God is about to do something major in my life (next weekend’s youth conference will most likely be involved). Exactly what I have not the foggiest idea at this point, but I don’t really care. All I know is that things are going to change, and I’m more than OK with that. Much as I crave stability, I know things can’t always stay the same and that it’s actually a good thing. Without change, there can be no growth, no new discoveries or adventures, and I know God has loads of that in store for me. And I want it. Badly. I am beyond sick of being stuck where I am. Not that things are horrible by any means, but knowing that there’s more and better stuff out there has made me very unsatisfied. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that since all that stuff is rightfully mine. So there. 😛 (I think that sounded better in my head, but hopefully you understand what I mean.)
Sandrine asked me yesterday what I really wanted. The standard – and horribly clichéd – answer would be a closer relationship with God, and that’s certainly true. But I also believe that He wants us to live a full life here on Earth, so what does that look like for me? I’m not entirely sure, but I do know that I want:
- a job that I am truly passionate about
- a chance to fully explore and use my artistic and musical abilities
- a home of my own that I can open to others as a safe place
There’s more, but I am literally falling asleep in front of my computer, so I’m going to call it a night. More when I’m more awake and hopefully focused.